Your 2 year old still sleeps with you ..... are you mad?

When I tell my friends my 2 year old still sleeps with me, they roll their eyes!  Comments like ‘isn’t he in a bed yet’, ‘how the heck do you cope with that’, ‘how are you ever having a relationship’ are common and yet for me sleeping with Master M. feels totally normal.

I am not what you would call a continuum concept mum.  Don't get me wrong, I so admire those who can have baby attached to them 24hrs a day, with baby on board in sling, and who fly in the face of us buggy pushers.  Whilst I will freely admit I am no where close to going as far as many attachment parents, I do love cuddles and felt really strongly about wanting my baby with me at night.

I guess I am proof that co-sleeping isn't exclusively attached to some kind of  'eco parenting style' like many people still believe it to be.  I didn't breast feed (those of you who have read my bio will know why), I used a sling but not all the time.  Surely therefore I can’t possibly be a fan of co-sleeping can I ……?

You bet I can!

What is co-sleep?

Essentially Co-sleeping is defined as sharing a sleeping space with your infant – whether they are in a co-sleeper, or in your bed.

Often still viewed by more traditional parenting advisors as only being for the ‘hippy parents’ and potentially dangerous; It is also hailed (especially by many of my friends) as creating needy children and damaging marriages.  In my own experiences (see below), I would totally disagree!

We know FSID (Foundation for the Study of Infant Deaths) recommends room sharing (in a cot or crib next to parent), so why go the step further?

So why co-sleep?

Initially for me I guess, for ease and reassurance.

I am a worry guts and to be honest would have slept less with my baby in a cot.  In fact for the first few days of M's precious existence I did attempt the night with Moses basket pulled so close to my mattress, I was in danger of knocking it over.  There had to be another way of giving me the constant closeness I wanted at night, without the juggling act and pins and needles arm!

My decision to move M. into our bed was a pathway I had tread before actually, with my 3rd child, who due to terrible colic found self-soothing difficult.  This coupled with everything I know from teacher Daisy Baby® (the whole science behind why new borns don’t like to lay supine, how the calming reflex engages, how mum regulates baby and vice versa) encouraged me co-sleeping was right for us once more.

However, as I say I am a worry wart and the first few nights of attempting to have him in bed with me left me feeling anxious that I would over heat him, squash him, roll on him (despite accomplished co-sleepers reassuring me that my mummy sensor would kick in) and so I opted for an Arms Reach co-sleeper which is essentially a fabric cot which velcros to your bed - thus extending the top part of your matress from king size (in our case) to super super king size but with no barrier in the way of you and your baby.

I loved this because it gave me the ability to hold his little hand, stroke his head, feel his breathing all night and gave him that automatic visual with me if he woke but at the same time I still felt I could relax in my bed without sleeping on the edge of a tuppence, through fear of rolling onto him.  It also meant my partner had space to sleep and that we weren't relegated to seperate beds.

I felt it also made feeds easier, even though I wasn’t breast feeding (this interview explains why Meet Julie, founder of Lazy Daisy).....  Ok easier for me as I would kick hubbie out to make the night feed (remember bottles is definitely not the easy option at night, certainly not for us anyway, as M liked to feed little and often) whilst I scooped my baby up close to me for cuddles and soothing whilst we waited.

No getting out of bed into the cold, no hours spent standing over a cot trying to settle him again.

And so to bed ….

The co-sleeper was my best friend for 9 months and I am not sure who was sadder, me or master M. when we decided even with the lower mattress setting, he could scale it.  In came the cot in replacement, but not for him to sleep in, rather to use as a bed rail so that he could graduate to a big bed - mine not his!

Rather than seeing this as an issue, it seemed the most normal thing to me.  Why would I make him sleep alone?  Why would I sleep without him?  Yes my friends told me he would be a mummy’s boy but what’s wrong with that?  Yes sometimes I would have liked a little space, but when I needed it, I left him with daddy and crept off to the spare bed.

I do wonder if he became my comfort blanket, as much as me becoming his (for a few weeks he would only sleep holding my hair), as whilst pregnant with him my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer and unfortunately passed away last November. There were definitely times when cuddling his little frame got me through the night.

I think though, knowing that with my 3rd daughter the sense of independence co-sleeping actually gave her (she is now my best independent sleeper out of my five children and my most confident child, I guess because she feels she can rely on me to be there), spurred me on to do the same with M. even when he was wriggly and kicking me in the tummy.

Has it affected my marriage – hell no!  I am happier, sleep well and don’t worry so much (happy wife is after all happy husband and in fact happy household) and if my husband and I need some time out, we find another location if you get my drift!

Monty does now have a bed in our room and will begin the night in his bed, but always around 2pm I hear pat pat pat of little feet and time for a mummy cuddle.  When I ask him if he is still mummy’s baby he proudly tells me he’s my big boy and I know when my big boy feels ready, he’ll decide he wants his own space exactly as my 3rd daughter did.

Things to think about

There is varying advice for and against co-sleeping and every parent should consider carefully how they feel about this. Mumsnet has a nice page

Think about whether you are bed sharing or using a co-sleeper.  Co sleepers can be found from companies such as Arms Reach and bednest

Are you both in agreement? It is good to have your partner’s support with this as it of course does affect you both!

This isn't for everyone and that's fine - you should co-sleep because it enhances your life, not because you feel you should!

What are your experiences of co-sleeping - for or against?  We'd love to hear and learn from all view points!