This week Penny explores Raising Girls .....

Follow on from last week's blog Male bonding

It was bedtime last week,  I stood bemused in the kitchen as my 3yo son lobbed the empty beaker he'd asked me to fill with milk, across the kitchen. My husband was reasoning through gritted teeth with our 5yo daughter who was getting closer to tears by the sentence.

'Swap?' said my husband.

'Yes,' I said, feeling my shoulders drop. And within seconds the shouting and whimpering stopped, calm was restored.  Afterwards, we tried to unpick what had happened.

'You're better at her, and I'm better at him', my husband said, and in many ways, it's true.  When my daughter is upset I find it easier to unravel her.  I admit too, it's because I can put myself in her shoes and see how she is wired as a girl.  Although 'walking away' and 'distraction' also have a part to play, and are two of my all time favourite parenting devices.

I can't fathom my boy's aggression sometimes, why does he need to sit on my head and push and pull me? But I know when my girl cries, my husband, who like most men, has been programmed not to cry, finds it hugely frustrating.

So having talked last week about tips for raising happy boys, what are the secrets to a happy girl?  I asked around.

Immediately talking came up.  One of the most striking things I remember reading about gender, was an article in The Guardian where parents of 3 girls swapped children with parents of 3 boys. The parents of boys were astounded by the amount the girls needed to talk, they were so used to their boys being happy to run off and play independently. From when girls are babies researchers say we talk more to them than we do boy babies, because they are more responsive to chat.  Charlotte of Pirates and Fairies agrees, 'girls need cuddles and time to talk.' That's not to say boys don't, but they don't seem to take as much time over it. Of course it is vital to counteract this with boys, to talk to them equally so they can learn to be good communicators.

Charlotte also emphasised the importance of teaching about 'friends', a vital skill for girls and boys, but there are definite differences in the way male and female friendships are formed, changed and sustained. Girls seem more prone to emotional display, I would love to know if this is due to conditioning, but I'm not sure.  My boy falls over and gets up, my girl, even from a very young age cried buckets. My girl cries and blames it on little things, through talking we get to the bigger things that are really bothering her.

Amanda of The Ana Mum Diary told me 'I play to my eldest's imagination, which means feeding her with books...both my girls love imaginative play'.  Last week we explored the importance of giving boys chance to nurture through play, it is important to give girls a chance to explore non gendered roles through play too.  Amanda and I went on to talk about the importance of giving children equal access to one to one time with both parents, or with male and female role models.

Although this final point may seem superficial, it holds a more important kernel of truth. It seems clothes can start meaning more to girls at an early age. Jenny of Cheetah's in my Shoes left me with a lovely story of how she cheered up her girl,  with a pair of shoes.  For my daughter this week, letting her go to school in her school summer dress, when I forgot to wash her school shirt, made a big difference.  I had bought her skirts and apparently all the other girls have pinafores.  Mummy fail. The kernel of truth here is that little things are huge to small children, and in understanding your child's natural preferences, whether they are gender specific or child specific, you can make a big difference.

So, back to the start, what did my husband do to calm our son? He got down to his level, looked him in the eye and told him directly to tell him what he needed, then made him a piece of toast and piggy backed him upstairs.  What did I do?  I scooped up my daughter in a big cuddle, let her cry, then I asked her to say what was bothering her, I listened and made sympathetic sounds.  Maybe it was a change of approach, maybe it was coming at it from a different angle, maybe it was 'getting them' in gender terms.  Who knows. Turns out what they needed was similar, but our approaches were subtly different.

The equivalent of the book I recommend last week is Raising Girls by Gisela Preuschoff.

Penny would love to hear your thoughts and experiences on raising your own girls!